There's nothing quite like knowing that when push comes to shove, you're really pretty much alone in the world.

I've done a lot of things for a lot of people. Stood behind them when time were rough, gone out of my way to provide whatever kind of assistance I could. And I guess it's a commentary on myself. I always thought I was asking nothing in return. I guess I wasn't. In the back of my mind I was trying to store up "favors" if you will for when I needed something. And now, I am asking. I need something. And I get absolutely nothing.

I don't think I ask much for myself or for my family. I can't understand why we end up being the ones cut off and cast aside. My son has stayed the course this far, and all the attention and help still goes to the prodigals. Maybe if we all screwed up royally we'd get more attention?

I think I'm having a terminal case of motherhood. My baby is leaving me in five days. And in a year he'll be leaving me for good. His Dad is feeling it too I think, he's been unbelievabley cranky and irritable for days now. I need to talk to someone, and everyone is just too busy to care about what's going on with me. How selfish does that sound? Where is the balance between being self-sufficient and expecting love to support you when you need it? I just don't understand. I try to be generous, because I believe it is a good thing to do. Maybe I should take the road everyone else does. Say no ALOT.

I've cut back on saying yes all the time. I think I am more aware of my limitations and my need for me time, and I've learned to value my replenishing time the same way I do the other important aspects of my life. But I'm left to wonder--is what I think is "balanced" not really? Do I come off as selfish?

My dh thinks I'm too devoted to my son these days. But good heavens--if something happened to him while he was in Europe I'd want to know that the last few days we spent together were well spent--working hard, talking, laughing, enjoying one another. And if something happened to me while he was gone, I'd want those last memories to be good ones for him as well. Am I being maudlin or unrealistic here? IT HAPPENS! And if he's moving out in a year, then I don't have much time with him under my roof, and darn it! I'm going to enjoy him! I've worked hard to raise a young man that I'm proud of and whose company I cherish. I have not neglected anyone else in the family, though his dad would tell you differently because I didn't have time yesterday to take off in the middle of the afternoon on an unscheduled jaunt, no matter how short it might have been. Of course never mind that I was in the middle of making German potato salad FOR HIM when he asked and I told him no. All he could see was that I spent the rest of the afternoon picking A up from work and running around for the last of the things he needed for his trip.

Can you tell I'm cranky? I'm cranky and depressed and disappointed. The people I work so hard to be there for are never there when it's my turn to need them. Add that I'm lonely.

This is good for my house. I love cleaning and throwing things away when I feel like this. :) Maybe that's why dh is being so difficult. Heaven knows the place needs a complete overhaul. I'm so far behind in everything, I'll die before I catch up.

Tomorrow is another day.

BTW, it was 17 years ago today that I was walking around the block on Pahquioque Ave in Danbury CT trying to encourage the labor to progress. Where did the time go? And how fast will the next 17 years slip away? What on earth am I going to do with myself? I know I'm a good mother. It doesn't look like I'm good at much else though--wife, sister, daughter--worthless.

Gotta go get an attitude change somewhere. I think I'll go do some Bible study.

If you've actually read through all this slop, thank you. I may erase it all tomorrow and not believe I had the guts to post it, but I just had to talk...