December in May

It's another cold morning. I woke with joints and muscles screaming from being cold. I have on layers of clothing when most are looking forward to buying swimming suits for the upcoming pool season. I know we'll get there. But not today.

Today the skies are gray again. It's hard for me to remember if we ever got any sun or not yesterday. Which is fitting, in a way, as there was little sun in yesterday's world. In fact, it's fitting that the weather be skewed and flawed. The world is. Both far and wide, and close to home.

My mother is gone. I wish I knew how to explain it. I found myself thinking of pictures, snapshots that captured the inside of Mom and comparing it to what I see now. This isn't just a case of physical symptoms that show things aren't right. The essence of who she is has been altered. And no one can seem to find out why this is happening. That's probably the most maddening part of all of it. Test after test, visit after visit, consulation after consultation and we're back to square one. A mystery that's eating at the core of her, and there is nothing any one of us who love her can do to make it better.

Without her, my world is a colder place. I wake up in the morning and shiver, regardless of the temperature.