In Flow

This is the addictive part of not only NaNo but writing in general for me. Pieces start falling into place, and even though I'm still writing things that are scattered and potentially trash, I feel more like a movie director who is collecting scenes. Let's try this scene and see how it works. Work all the way through it, add it to the other scenes, and we'll see if it will fit in the overall picture at the end. Stop and brainstorm in the middle of everything; "shoot" that too. We may need to move it around, we may need it shorter or longer or in a different POV or setting, but at least we have something to work with.

There are still so many unknowns in this story. I'm still not sure exactly whose story it is. As I go about day-to-day things like pairing socks and chopping vegetables, I find myself weighing out who the story belongs to. Is it Sadie's? Is it Herbert's? Can it possibly belong to them both? Technically I know the answer is no, but my heart doesn't want to decide quite yet. So I keep writing from both points of view, wondering if there will be room for all of it in the end. Wondering sometimes if there even will be an end. My long work never seems to fit comfortably into 50,000 words.

I rewarded myself with a late-night (or early morning, depending on how you want to look at it) movie last night. I love the Sabrina remake with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond. So I sat in my living room all by myself with all the lights off and let myself cry whenever I wanted to. I think I will have achieved the greatest degree of self-acceptance when I can watch a movie that makes me cry in a room full of people and not try to hide the tears. I always feel like such an idiot when I get all blubbery and no one else seems to think it's that big a deal. At any rate, I enjoyed the movie all over again. I also half-watched An Unfinished Life a couple days ago while the house was empty. I had too much to do to sit down and give it my full attention so I watched it like I watch TV--largely listen until I can't tell what's going on and then watch till I can simply listen again.

At any rate, if I could keep writing every day with the same sense of urgency--that I need those 1700 words--I'd probably never lose my ability to sit down and type out something half worth reading. Or completely worth editing. And I get so many other things done throughout the day as well. My breaks are productive and I am "full" enough to dig into other projects without feeling like I'm cheating myself while I'm taking care of everyone else. I can do those 1700 words in an hour, easy. Once I'm in flow. But when I've slowed down to 1700 every month rather than every day, the ease just isn't there. So why do I let myself stop? I haven't a clue.

So after NaNo I need to set some goals. The trouble is, I think it's the group effort that makes NaNo so effective. When I set my own that no one else knows about, it's too easy to slide past those deadlines without flinching.

No matter what, I need to do some planning in December. December will be tax paper organization month. And Viewfinder submission month. And gear up for OWFI Contest month. How did we get this close to a new year already? And turn in the final assignment for the articles for children class. I have plenty of writing to do. It should keep me in gear. Of course tax paper organization doesn't really belong in all that, but it's the top focus.

I wonder how many words this is? Time to go make stew.