Tired and Frustrated

Which is not a good combination.

I have been keeping a tiny journal based on the Inner Outings deck by Charlene Geiss and Claudia Jessup. Somewhere in the introduction of the book that goes with the deck, I read that if you draw a single card more than once, treat it as a signal of something that needs extra attention.

So which card have I drawn twice out of five times? Tell the Truth.

It's my job, my vocation, my first priority. But lately it hasn't been getting that position. I keep hearing talks, I keep reading articles, I am reminded over and over and over again why it is so important for all of us to hear truth—whether pleasant to us or not—and so I have to believe I need to pay more attention. Or maybe instead of paying attention, I just need to do. Let the knowledge produce action.

This, along with the words and thoughts of others that I read today, lead me to trying to imagine my life without the things that I take for granted, the things that keep me from just giving up in the face of what this world is becoming. I can't do it. I honestly do not know how I would cope with all the wicked evilness I see and hear day in and day out without the knowledge that it will not only come to an end, but it will be undone. I tried to imagine what I would do with my life if I had to believe that it was up to human beings to fix all the problems in the world today. I don't have that kind of faith in humanity. I believe there are solutions, but I believe those are out of the realm of human capability. The immigration issue alone—no fighting, no killing, no war—is so multifaceted and so rife with pitfalls, so intermingled in other issues like economy and simple food—that no single solution addresses all of the issues. At the very core, the very center, of this and everything else that plagues mankind is imperfect government. What more can you expect from imperfect men? Or women?

Under a perfect government there would be food, shelter and work for each and every individual on the planet. There would be not health management, but disease prevention, not just for a select group who could afford to pay top dollar for it. It would be the natural right of each citizen to stay healthy. Each and every child would receive the same education, have the same opportunities. There would be no "haves" and "have-nots." But there wouldn't be any room either for laziness, selfishness, or me-ism. There would be one set of universally accepted standards, made for the benefit of all human beings—whether they appreciated that fact or not. There would be time to do things slowly and carefully, time to build family bonds, time to spend in solitude, in wholesome work, in undisturbed rest. There would be an overall sense of satisfaction and security.

How are men going to come up with this??????????????? After thousands of years of ruling, and a global society that disintegrates daily, where is the solution? It lies in people's hearts, hearts that care more for the greater good than themselves, and the only each individual can bring about that heart condition. I can't change any heart but my own. I can root out prejudice and anger and selfishness. But I can't root it out of my children or my spouse, or my neighbor or anyone else. Hopefully—at least with the kids—I've done what I can to discourage those things from growing in their heart to begin with, but all I can do is help. The ultimate decision is never mine for anyone but myself.

And so yes, I have to depend on the One that I believe can read hearts. The One who can weigh in factors like ignorance, and deeply rooted damage, and can justly know how much change can be reasonably expected from people before it's time to step in and offer help or weed out the incorrigible. Simple as that.

Most of the time I am too hesitant to speak up, too anxious for peace to put my beliefs out there. But putting them out there isn't cause for a rift. It's other's reaction that create the problem. Just because I have a view doesn't mean that if a person doesn't share it they should become irritated or view me as an adversary. If that's their stand, I can't change that. It's just the same with disapproving of a "lifestyle choice." It doesn't mean I hate the person, or have any malice toward the individual. It just means I don't believe the choices made were wise ones. There is nothing wrong with saying what I believe, only with forcing that belief on someone else.

Once sentence stuck with me from the Inner Outings book: "If we don't speak our truth, eventually we will suffer the consequences."

So here's my truth. We can't look to the next president or the next king or the next prime minister or the next dictator or the next shah, or the next parliament, or the next congress, or the next democracy or the next totalitarian regime to bring mankind together and to peace. Men can't do it. My brotherhood spans the globe, transcends every human barrier, and is identified by a love that refuses to take up arms against anyone—and has suffered dearly for the decision both here and throughout the world. When I truly look at the miracle of unity—most often in my deepest moments of doubt—I realize I have nowhere else to go, nothing else that will sustain me through the rigors ahead, into the beauty beyond. Men didn't achieve it on their own or without sacrifice. But in the end it is well worth that sacrifice to have family no matter where in the world any of us happen to be.

That is my truth. In the tiniest of nutshells. There is so much more to be said about it. But for now, it is enough.