Thinking things....

You've been warned.

I have the help-people gene. I hate it when someone I know is hurting. But sometimes it is so difficult to know how to help. This has come up in several different ways lately with several different people, and I've managed to sort them all out but one. So here goes.

When I'm "in a mood" the most irritating thing a person can say to me is "snap out of it." Or when I'm making a tough decision, "Don't do that!" will sometimes drive me up the wall, though I've learned that I do need to listen to that from certain people who seem to know me better than I do at times. I'm better with "ride it out, things will get better" because I've learned that's always true. It comes to mind now in my blackest of moments, and while it doesn't make things instantly better, it does make them bearable, and helps me to look for the positive.

Sometimes I just want to say what I've decided to hear myself think it--I don't really want any advice. But then there are times when I really want someone to say, "Gosh, I wish you wouldn't do that, but if you feel you must, then I'm behind you."

I have a friend--and she may recognize herself here--who is a talented writer. She truly has a gift with words and when she has the time and opportunity and the mood to write, I always enjoy reading what she puts together. The thing is, the desire to do it will die. Or the opportunity to write gets eaten up by the plethora of things in "life" that are more important. Sooner or later, the wise thing seems to be to stop beating your head against the proverbial brick wall and just give up.

Not a bad decision.

But isn't that the "easy" way out? Isn't it better to push through, keep at it at all costs? Sometimes not.

I have been there. I've boxed up all my writing with the intent of tossing it. I put the boxes in the closet instead, and to this day there are one or two I have not dug into again that probably could be tossed without regret. The feeling that the writer in me had died was at its worst after I successfully published an article in ByLine in September of 2000, I believe it was. It was around then that one of the editors at Myria (now the SheKnows network) called me and asked me to be an assistant editor and I said yes and was instantly paralyzed when it came to putting together anything--fiction or non-fiction. I couldn't seem to find the time, the desire or the ability to put two words together that made any sense at all, and it drove me nuts. (Notice I am NOT an assistant editor for the SheKnows network; that's how bad it was.)

Sometime after that year, and I don't know how long it took me, I decided that writing was going to be the one thing in my life that I wasn't going to fight. It makes me a not-disciplined writer, but let's face it. I'm not Mary Higgins Clark or J.K. Rowling. I don't have to write to feed my kids. There are other more important issues in my life that deserve more attention. In other words, writing is not a priority in the sense that it has to go to work for me. I'd like to think that if I were in that circumstance, I could make myself take the whole endeavor a bit more seriously and I'd make a success of it one way or another. Shoot, I had two children at home! What could be more intense or painful? :) But I don't have to, so why add that kind of pressure to something that I love to do?

Yes, there are times, like now, when I make myself write because I know it's good for me. It's "time." And I have a freedom now that I didn't have in the early part of the "new millenium" because my kids are more self-sufficient. I have more time to call my own. My husband still takes jabs at me as an "aspiring writer" and doubts that I have any talent at all, because if I had, I would have been published by now. After all, our oldest hit the ball out of the park his first time out and ended up published in Field and Stream. But you know what? Right now, I don't have to write for Field and Stream, or anyone else. I can write for me. That's it. I like it that way. Dh insists that I don't, because he has a different measure of "success" than I do. And I won't lie and say there isn't part of me that would love to see my name on a dust jacket in a bookstore or library. Realistically, that may never happen. But you know what? I don't feel like a failure and I'm not going to stop writing, or start turning writing into a chore like doing laundry or cleaning house just to prove a point. I prefer to let him have his opinion and I have mine and when I feel like it I write.

Sometimes I do make myself show up at the page, even when at first I don't really feel like it. I will make the time and place for it because it feeds me. It feeds a part of me that helps me balance. Especially during the season when daylight is shorter and I have a harder time keeping an emotional balance. I have been edgy and out of sorts for weeks, no months, now because of various issues that I've been dealing, and the lack of sunshine is a major player in my mood. So when I catch myself snapping at my youngest--whose heart is as big and generous and forgiving as they come--I know I need a break. Ideally, it's time to find a hotel room and chill for a couple days. But the cash isn't there, so I turn to the next best thing--reading and writing. Especially the writing.

So in this ramble the thing I want to say most is, maybe now isn't the time. That doesn't mean that later will not be. And if it never is, even later, that's fine too. Just put the stuff in the box and wheel it away, but when you feel like getting it out again, let yourself do that. Just, as the Beatles so aptly put it, let it be. Nothing true in this moment has to be forever. The chauffeuring (spelled wrong but I'm not looking it up) will end. The busy-ness of life will ease up. And maybe when that pressure is gone, the urge to put a pen to paper (okay, fingers to the keyboard) may be able to blossom like it's not been able to yet. Just don't start thinking you're not good at it, because you are. Put it away because you want to. Get it out because you want to. Indulge in a challenge here and there because the urge strikes or something hits you out of the blue. Because more than likely it will hit; it has before. And you know what, you might even beat October/November to the punch and make it a practice to pack it all away before the busy time of year gets underway. Acknowledge your rhythm and honor it. Or change it, if you decide that will be better for you. Just decide for yourself what's best for you, because you always feel better when you take control.

Okay, I shouldn't lecture. But I just wanted to be sure you knew that I haven't said, "No! Don't do that!" not because I think you should give it up, but because I didn't want to annoy you when I tried to help.

Which I may have just done. But you know what my intentions are, right? :)

Oh and by the way, to whomever is reading and responding to this blog, I have set my comments to be moderated, so they won't appear right away. People seem to think my "Making Your WISH Come True" entry is an invitation to say all kinds of weird stuff and post stock tip sites.

Wishing all my friends peace and joy....