Feeling much better today.

Just as I thought I might get to stay in bed beyond 5 AM (ds' last day at work was yesterday) dh gets called in to work at the tire plant (nasty, filthy place; I feel for him!) and will be working seven 10s for about a week. This is going to be tough, given his easy adaptation to a semi-retired state. But we need the moolah.

I feel like everything is going to work out for the weekend. When I first heard that R was working I instantly thought, "What about Saturday." In one call to his parents he had that all zipped up nice and neat. I'm free all day Saturday. YIPEE!!

It looks like one of Abe's buds may get him where he needs to be this weekend. Pray, pray, pray.

We have today to get homestay gifts and the last of the laundry/packing finished. He did get to one mowing job yesterday evening; it had dried off enough by 8:00 that he had just enough time to zip through the yard before dark. Pass go, collect spending money. The other has been postponed till Monday. Hopefully we'll dry out a bit over the weekend. This rain is something else. I'm trying not to complain. June was spectacular between the rain and the lower temperatures. I don't want to have to pay for that in July. :)

Got to babysit for a while yesterday. Three. In addition to mine. And in addition to A's moving in his big screen TV, which entailed having three of his buds in tow. Gosh they take up a lot of room. You should see his room. Bed, TV, Dresser, all parallel to one another with just enough room to move between the three. While he was gone I had intended to use that room for "storage" while I worked on the school room. Theory being that I would take boxes out of junk out of the school room and store them in his room to go through, sort in there (out of sight) and only take back to the room the things I decided to hold on to, and give the rest away. I'll figure something else out, I'm sure.

He bribed his friends to help with cake. His co-workers bought him a cake that said, "We'll miss you!" on it. I cried. I'm always crying these days. I don't know what the blazes is wrong with me. Everyone loved him up there--from his bosses, to those his age and the adults as well. I told him to put "excellent people skills" on his application for the library. He does so much better with people than I ever will.

Once I get through this weekend and get him off, it's his little brother's turn to be center stage. I want to get out and go and do with him. Which means I'll have to use early mornings to get transcript work out of the way. Guess I'll be getting up at 5 AM after all.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

July's web page is posted. Lots of new stuff there, so check it out if you haven't: http://www.carolyndekat.com. I worked into the wee hours of the morning on it and slept through my alarm, though R did the same for longer than me. We still got him out the door in plenty of time and in good spirits. Hope he manages okay. Can't help but worry just a bit.

There's nothing quite like knowing that when push comes to shove, you're really pretty much alone in the world.

I've done a lot of things for a lot of people. Stood behind them when time were rough, gone out of my way to provide whatever kind of assistance I could. And I guess it's a commentary on myself. I always thought I was asking nothing in return. I guess I wasn't. In the back of my mind I was trying to store up "favors" if you will for when I needed something. And now, I am asking. I need something. And I get absolutely nothing.

I don't think I ask much for myself or for my family. I can't understand why we end up being the ones cut off and cast aside. My son has stayed the course this far, and all the attention and help still goes to the prodigals. Maybe if we all screwed up royally we'd get more attention?

I think I'm having a terminal case of motherhood. My baby is leaving me in five days. And in a year he'll be leaving me for good. His Dad is feeling it too I think, he's been unbelievabley cranky and irritable for days now. I need to talk to someone, and everyone is just too busy to care about what's going on with me. How selfish does that sound? Where is the balance between being self-sufficient and expecting love to support you when you need it? I just don't understand. I try to be generous, because I believe it is a good thing to do. Maybe I should take the road everyone else does. Say no ALOT.

I've cut back on saying yes all the time. I think I am more aware of my limitations and my need for me time, and I've learned to value my replenishing time the same way I do the other important aspects of my life. But I'm left to wonder--is what I think is "balanced" not really? Do I come off as selfish?

My dh thinks I'm too devoted to my son these days. But good heavens--if something happened to him while he was in Europe I'd want to know that the last few days we spent together were well spent--working hard, talking, laughing, enjoying one another. And if something happened to me while he was gone, I'd want those last memories to be good ones for him as well. Am I being maudlin or unrealistic here? IT HAPPENS! And if he's moving out in a year, then I don't have much time with him under my roof, and darn it! I'm going to enjoy him! I've worked hard to raise a young man that I'm proud of and whose company I cherish. I have not neglected anyone else in the family, though his dad would tell you differently because I didn't have time yesterday to take off in the middle of the afternoon on an unscheduled jaunt, no matter how short it might have been. Of course never mind that I was in the middle of making German potato salad FOR HIM when he asked and I told him no. All he could see was that I spent the rest of the afternoon picking A up from work and running around for the last of the things he needed for his trip.

Can you tell I'm cranky? I'm cranky and depressed and disappointed. The people I work so hard to be there for are never there when it's my turn to need them. Add that I'm lonely.

This is good for my house. I love cleaning and throwing things away when I feel like this. :) Maybe that's why dh is being so difficult. Heaven knows the place needs a complete overhaul. I'm so far behind in everything, I'll die before I catch up.

Tomorrow is another day.

BTW, it was 17 years ago today that I was walking around the block on Pahquioque Ave in Danbury CT trying to encourage the labor to progress. Where did the time go? And how fast will the next 17 years slip away? What on earth am I going to do with myself? I know I'm a good mother. It doesn't look like I'm good at much else though--wife, sister, daughter--worthless.

Gotta go get an attitude change somewhere. I think I'll go do some Bible study.

If you've actually read through all this slop, thank you. I may erase it all tomorrow and not believe I had the guts to post it, but I just had to talk...