It was so much easier to set his world back to rights when he was smaller. But then the things that rocked his world were smaller and more easily dealt with. There are many days I long to go back, even if it were just for a visit. Even an extended one. I think most of all I miss holding him when he's upset. I still want to wrap my arms around him and reassure him--give him a hiding place in the storm.
His seventeenth year has been a hard one. First the September snake bite that cost close to $20,000, which of course happened the month after our health insurance that kicked in from the 4th of July GM shutdown expired. And then two car accidents within a month of each other.
The thing that is hardest is wanting so badly to have a realistic view of my children. I know they aren't perfect. I don't want to be one of these parents that smooths the way after they make unwise decisions; I want them to feel and know the consequences and learn from them. But do I have a realistic view? Do I think they're doing better than they really are? Could I have prevented this if I had been more vigilant? That's a useless question I know. I guess a better one is: Are there things I am missing now that need to be addressed to avoid other costly, nasty problems?
It doesn't help that they're stellar, and I'm not the one saying so. I have so many people telling me over and over and over how wonderful the boys are. So where is the balance?
I add up the plus column: paid for two trips overseas--Australia and Europe--by himself before he turned 17, started college a year early, knows how to set goals and reach them, isn't afraid of working hard, made the President's Honor Roll his first semester in college, loves children, gets along with people of all ages, is very health conscious and clean, has that Field & Stream essay win under his belt, is honest--at times brutally so and about himself as well as to others--and knows how to say, "I'm sorry. I messed up."
The minus column: he's developing a bad pattern of hazardous driving, he has no patience whatsoever with his little brother, he talks too much on his cell phone, he can't put himself in other people's shoes very easily, he thinks people should agree with him 99.8% the time and thinks people are "stupid" if they can't see his point of view, he thinks other people's schedules should revolve around his, even though he hasn't told anyone else what his schedule is. He's not dating, but he's a girl magnet. How long can that last? It is so hard to hold to the moral values he's vowed to uphold in a world that thinks they're outdated and prudish. That one thing probably scares me more than all the others put together.
So where is this going. I don't have a clue!!!
I think I've suspected for awhile that he was becoming too complacent in his driving and secondly that he was too much like his father. (I can't change that second one!) Hindsight being 20/20, I should have acted on my hunches. I have a grave problem there--always pushing down the little voices that I should be listening to and acting on. Why don't I trust myself? At any rate, there is the invincible thing with teens, but until now, I would have labeled him as careful. Yet that impatience is there. That intense mental speed that pushes him and his dad, and makes them hurry, makes them hate to stop, hate to wait, hate to waste time. He took a corner that he takes every day on the way home from work. Says he drove it the same way he always does. Which means he always took it too fast, or that the road was wet, which his father swears that it wasn't. It's more of a bend than a corner, so there is that lure to take it faster than an average corner, only this time the rear end of the car slid out from under him, and voila--accident #2 since the 21st of last month. And this one totaled the car. But he was fine. Always wears a seat belt. Arg!
So what do I strive to teach him now? How often do I need to remind him that driving takes undivided attention? That he needs to slow down? Sometimes I feel like his father hammers him with it way too much and will continue to do so, and I hate it. I don't think there's been a night in the past under-a-month that Dad didn't bring up the first fender bender. But then, is that what he needs? The constant reminder that he took a gift we provided him and ruined it? That next time it could be his life or someone elses that he ruins or robs? This parenting thing is so hard sometimes. I like to think that between his father's hammering and my nurturing we reach a balance together that we couldn't as single parents.
There are lots of things I'd like to think so I could stop worrying and just sleep!
The encouraging thing was to see his disappointment in himself. If that had not been there, I'd be riding his tail too about being responsible. But he was deeply and intensely angry and disappointed in himself. But not to the extent that it depressed him. I was relieved to see him smiling today. Not as much as usual, and he was quieter than average, but the smile was there. If he ever loses his sense of humor for an extended period of time, I'll know something is very, very wrong.
Balance. It's such a hard thing to find.
This will impact my world until the car is replaced. His Dad and I decided that we don't want him withdrawing from college. There's this danger of stopping and never going back. So I guess I get to be chauffeur again, only this time, school isn't 1/2 mile from home. It's 20 minutes. Which isn't much, really. It's just the inconvenience--like 1/2 day kindergarten. Having to be available, plan everything around getting him to and from school. Knowing my human nature, I will make him wait a time or two just to drive the point home. His mistakes now can be huge and costly and impact people other than himself.
At least his Dad didn't kill him.
And he sat in the chair tonight and just talked to me. Not about the accident. It wasn't about much in particular. Just that he wasn't on the phone or IMing his friends. He wanted to connect with me.
It was almost as nice as holding him in my arms. My baby that I love so much.
